These Are the NBA Awards that would be Given if I was Commissioner

It's been a hell of an NBA season, full of historically great teams, as well as notably bad ones, like my Celtics. The top players have shined more than ever, with Nash, Dirk, and Kobe all making dazzling MVP cases. While the Mavs, Suns, and Spurs continued to dominate, other teams had their seasons either hampered (Clippers, Rockets, Heat) or shattered (Hornets, Bucks, Celtics, Sonics, soon-to-be Wizards) by injuries. In a season like this one, handing out the awards can be even more difficult. Let me start the awards that actually exist in the NBA:

MVP - Steve Nash
Maybe Dirk Nowitzki has been the most impressive player this year, and his team has the best record, and he is the sexy choice for MVP, but it's important to remember that MVP stands for Most VALUABLE Player. And when you ask yourself who the most valuable player to any of the top teams in the league is, there is little question who deserves the award. With Nash, the Suns were an impressive 59-17 this year, and in the six games he missed due to injury, a measly 2-4. Without Nash, I don't even know whether the Suns would make the playoffs. Without Dirk, the Mavs probably still win 50 games. Yes, Dirk is their go-to-guy and best player, but he's just another scorer in a potent offense. Taking Nash away from the Suns is like taking Brady away from the Patriots, whereas Dirk away is more like the Colts losing Marvin Harrison; sure it hurts, but they still have Manning (Jason Terry) throwing to Reggie Wayne (Josh Howard), and a bunch of other formidable options. OK, calling Terry Peyton Manning is an embarrassment to the quarterback, but it was for the sake of argument. Unlike Dirk, Nash is the engine that makes the entire Suns team run. Amare Stoudemire and Shawn Marion are great, but Nash makes them look like superheroes. There's a reason why guys like Joe Johnson, Quentin Richardson, Boris Diaw, etc. have all gone from mediocre players to superstars while playing with Nash. And if you are caught up on statistics, Nash's are better than they've been in either of the last two years, both seasons in which he won the MVP. In addition to the almost 19 points and 12 assists per game, he is shooting an astounding 53% from the field, which makes him 14th in the NBA in that category. Tony Parker is the only other guy under 6'5" that's even in the top 30. Okay, I'm done justifying, Nash gets the MVP, and if you don't agree, well f*%# you. You're wrong, and this is my blog.

Rookie of the Year - Brandon Roy?
I was tempted to just give this one to Greg Oden so that him and Durant could both have one. This was a pathetic year for rookies. For all the talk of JJ Redick vs. Adam Morrison, Morrison looked extremely mediocre and shot horribly from everywhere there is to shoot all season long (37.6% fgs, 33.7% 3pts, and 71% fts) and JJ Redick couldn't even locate Orlando's athletic facility until the end of the season. I was starting to think he had secretly gotten a job as Minnie Mouse, giving hugs to the little girls in Disney World until he stumbled onto the court one night. As for the winner of the award, Roy did put up almost 17 ppg, but it was for the Portland Jailblazers who haven't won a game since Arvydas Sabonis was dropping dimes at the top of the key. Furthermore, Roy only played in 57 games this season. He only gets the virtual hardware for two reasons: One, who else was I gonna give it to? Andrea Bargnani? The rookies just flat-out sucked this year. And two, i think its great that Roy is the ROY. Roy ROY. Okay, that was great. On to the next award...

Defensive Player of the Year - Marcus Camby
Camby should get his own special award just for staying healthy for the majority of the season. Although I shouldn't speak too soon--he just sat out to rest for the playoffs with a mysteriously "bruised knee". I wonder if him and Grant Hill call each other up at the beginning of each season and make wagers on who will play in more games in the upcoming year. But I truly believe that on a team with Allen Iverson AND Carmelo Anthony, Camby is the MVP. As a defensive player, Camby easily led the league in blocks per game, was second in defensive rebounds per game, and even in the top 30 in steals per game. Only 20 other guys in the entire league even averaged over 1.5 blocks per game, and Camby averaged 3.3. The next guy on the list is Josh Smith with 2.88, and he plays for the Hawks so his statistics don't count. There should be a rule that you need at least 50% attendance at home games for your stats to count towards league leaders. I'm honestly happy for Marcus Camby that he had such a great season, and stayed on the court for 70 games, which would be potentially disappointing for other stars, but is remarkable for him. Plus, I am biased towards him because of his glory days at UMASS. I actually have a UMASS hat that's signed by Camby, but I almost traded it for a normal Patriots hat because it was too injury prone. The brim kept getting bent inexplicably and stuff... I also recently learned that Camby aspires to be an elementary school principal. I wonder if the NBA will give him a stipend to buy his suits to meet principal-dress-code regulations.

Comeback Player of the Year - Amare Stoudemire
I was one of those doubters, those miserable naysayers, those pessimistic pricks who, when Amare had the microfracture in his knee, I said "He'll never be good again! The only thing that makes him good is his supreme athleticism, and now it's gone forever! He'll suck for the rest of his career!" Well, thank you Amare for shutting me up. I couldn't be happier for this guy; he looked at idiots like me and laughed. He's in as good form as ever, which is really freakin' good--as Bill Walton likes to say, he is the winner of the genetic lottery. He's also developed a nice little jump shot, an inkling of post moves, and greatly improved his rebound efficiency. Nobody is more deserving of this award than Amare. (He also has a tattoo on his neck that says "Black Jesus"...I always liked that.)

Sixth Man - Leandro Barbosa
Barbosa is like some kind of misplaced track star who has magically become one of the most accurate three-point shooters in the league. Much like Stoudemire, and thousands of other guys, Barbosa proved me utterly and completely wrong. When I watched him play as a rookie, Barbosa looked even more out of control than Marcus Banks, if that is humanly possible. I knew he was lightning fast and had tons of "upside", but I just never thought they were gonna get this kid to play under control and amount to anything. Coming off the bench most of the time, Barbosa is averaging 18 points per game--more than Shawn Marion and just less than Nash and Amare. He has also taken an assist to turnover ratio which was once pathetic, and made it very respectable with 4 assists and only 1.8 turnovers per game. But most importantly, he just allows the Suns to play at that frantic, insane tempo. When Barbosa and Nash are playing together, the Suns get up the court so quickly that you almost have to cheat to stop them (like Mike Dunleavy Sr. tried to do with the Clippers in last year's playoffs, having his team put the ball on the ground after each made basket). The emergence of Barbosa and the return of Stoudemire may be enough to take the Suns all the way this year.

Most Improved Player - Deron Williams
After an underwhelming rookie campaign that left Jazz fans, well, and the rest of the world wondering why the hell they took this chubby mediocre point guard over Chris Paul with the third pick of the draft, Deron Williams changed his look and his production. Williams slimmed down into great shape, maintaining his strong frame, and transformed himself from an unimpressive point guard to one of the best in the league in only his second season. I almost cheated and gave the award to him and Carlos Boozer, because the two of them have both been remarkably better than last year, and suddenly made the Jazz a good team, but Williams is the catalyst. After averaging 10.8 points and only 4.5 assists last year, he jumped all the way up to 16.2 and 9.3, phenomenal numbers for a good point guard. Whether he is better than Chris Paul remains to be seen, but its now safe to say that both teams got franchise point guards.

Coach of the Year - Jeff Van Gundy
I already wrote about how badly Van Gundy deserved this award in my Rest of the West article, but I will give a very brief recap here. Everyone wants to give it to Avery Johnson, who did a great job as well, leading the Mavs to a historically good season, but Van Gundy was a miracle worker just to get the Rockets into the playoffs, let alone 52 wins and the fifth best record in the NBA. McGrady played hurt most of the season, and Yao, my favorite player in the league and one of its most dominating players, missed almost half the season. Other than that, the Rockets have just a cast of role players, yet Van Gundy made the season a wildly successful one, and i just now getting his squad healthy again. Amazing.

NBA First Team
PG - Steve Nash
SG - Kobe Bryant
SF - Lebron James
PF - Dirk Nowitzki
C - Carlos Boozer

NBA Second Team
PG - Gilbert Arenas
SG - Vince Carter
SF - Carmelo Anthony
PF - Tim Duncan
C - Chris Bosh

NBA Third Team
PG - Deron Williams
SG - Tracy McGrady
SF - Kevin Garnett
PF - Amare Stoudemire
C - Yao Ming

Now for the fun part. These are the other awards that they should give out:

Most Opposite-of-Improved Player - Andrei Kiralenko
See the Rest of the West article for the full bashing of Kiralenko, but he has essentially countered the breakouts of Williams and Boozer with a break-in (if I may coin the term) of his own. After dominating the league defensively and improving every year, Kiralenko randomly dropped off the face of the Earth without any apparent reason. The Jazz won't get out of the first round because of it. I mean, theoretically he could turn back into the real Andrei Kiralenko at any moment, but I'm just not counting on it. He desperately needs to be traded; I think a change of scenery and a fresh new start is the only thing that can save his career.

Best Role Player - Shane Battier
As I've said, the Rockets are basically two superstars (McGrady and Yao) and a bunch of role players, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Not when the two stars are both almost unstoppable and the role players are really good role players. Battier is the classic glue guy and he really has held this team together, especially through the hard times of injury to McGrady and Yao. He is a lockdown defender, never craves more attention or scoring options, and is remarkably consistent with about 10 or 11 points per game. He can shoot from the outside to stretch the defense, or go down low a little bit, but he's always willing to let McGrady and Yao do the scoring. Battier is the kind of guy that wins you championships.

Worst Coach of the Year - Bob Hill
I know Rashard Lewis and Ray Allen both missed 20+ games this season, but of all the teams that completely sucked this year, the Sonics were the most talented. Even when they had their full lineup, Ridnour, Allen, Lewis, Collison, and Wilcox, the Sonics couldn't seem to get anything going. Look at that lineup. Ridnour has become a great point guard, Allen and Lewis are both bona fide superstars, Collison finally got the chance to do this year what he did at Kansas, averaging 10 points and 8 rebounds and banging down low, and Wilcox is extremely talented if not consistent (stay tuned for more on this). Off the bench, the Sonics have solid guys like Damien Wilkens, Earl Watson, and young talent in Johan Petro and Mickael Gelabale. You'd think Hill could've won more than 31 games with this team.

Worst Jump Shooter Under the Height of Six-Foot-Seven - Rajon Rondo
When Rajon Rondo shoots the ball from almost anywhere on the court, it just looks like it has absolutely no chance of going in. He's the single worst shooter I've ever seen at either of the guard spots. On the season, he was 6-29 from the arc (Doc probably told him it was okay for him to shoot threes being the excellent coach that he is...) and 64.7% from the free throw line. But I'm not trying to simply trash Rondo--it's astonishing that he is to some extent succeeding as an NBA guard without the ability to throw the ball at the basket. The only guy who even compares to his inability to shoot as a little guy is Speedy Claxton, who actually boosted his career three point percentage to 19.1% by hitting 6-28 from downtown this season, although his free throw percentage did drop to 55% this year and his fgs to 33%.

Human Victory Cigar of the Year - Pat Burke
Excluding the 4 game stretch that Nash missed before the All-Star break in which the Suns were undermanned, Phoenix is 18-1 in games in which Patt Burke appears. He's a regular Bill Russell! I look forward to seeing Burke's bald white head in the playoffs any time the Suns lock up a game.

Sexiest Attraction - Kobe Bryant
This is the award that people like to give as the MVP. Dirk is the other front-runner in this category, but he's not even close to Kobe as this year's sexiest attraction. I've never seen anything like it. He really is utterly unstoppable. Since Phil Jackson told Kobe to score more around the middle of March, Bryant has put 50 points up 7 times in just 17 games, including four consecutive games. He's also averaging 6 rebounds and 5 assists--dare I say he is a great team player? The point is that people, myself included, will watch the Lakers just to see Kobe put on a show like only he can. It's trule remarkable.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Chris Wilcox
Wilcox is one of the most talented, athletic young big men in the entire league, and he shows it. Occasionally. Trust me, as someone who had Wilcox on my fantasy team, I know. Wilcox would put up games of 32 points and 18 rebounds, and come out the next night with a pathetic performance. It's maddening. When he decides to play, he's a dominant player, and when he doesn't feel like playing, he's terrible. Somebody should recommend that he shows up for all the games next year. Maybe if they fire Bob Hill, and somebody gets Wilcox to play, they'll actually win a couple games next year.

Most HPM (Highlights Per Minute) - Tyrus Thomas
Tyrus Thomas really likes being on TV. He's actually rapidly improving into an important and productive bench player that could help the Bulls a lot in the playoffs, but more importantly, he's a human highlight reel. Throughout the season, it seemed Thomas was on the Top 10 Plays at least once or twice per week, which is all the more impressive when you consider that he plays only 13 minutes per game. He's already dunked on more faces in the NBA than I have in my driveway on the 7-and-a-half foot hoop.

The Don't Forget About Me! Team (guys who are superstars, but don't get superstar recognition)
PG - Baron Davis
SG - Kevin Martin
SF - Luol Deng
PF - Mehmet Okur
C - Yao Ming

The All-Law-And-Order Team (guys with legal problems)
PG - Tony Allen
SG - Kobe Bryant
SF - Ron Artest
PF - Zach Randolph
C - Chris Webber

All-NBA Minorty Team (white guys)
PG - Steve Nash
SG - Mike Miller
SF - Luke Walton
PF - Dirk Nowitzki
C - Pau Gasol

All-Supercuts Team (guys who desperately need a haircut)
PG - Troy Hudson
SG - Adam Morrison
SF - Walter Herrman
PF - Anderson Varejao
C - Chris Kaman