-AJ Nicholson was probably the most talented football player on the board in the 5th round of the 2006 NFL Draft, but as we've seen time and again, with raging idiots like Maurice Clarrett, these character gambles usually aren't worth it. I watched Nicholson play at Florida State, and I was very impressed--the guy was all over the field. But he was also accused of rape in December of 2005, and was suspended for the Orange Bowl that season. And I mean when you have a squeaky clean resume like Kobe Bryant, it's easy to overlook one small little insignificant sexual assault case, but Nicholson couldn't use the "one little mistake" excuse. He was also on 6 month probation for part of his FSU tenure due to a DUI and a charge of resisting arrest which was eventually dropped.
Furthermore, once on the Bengals, it came out that Nicholson broke into his own Seminole teammate's apartment and stole $1700!? Is there a less respectable act than theft of a teammate? Thus, when Nicholson was accused of striking his girlfriend, the Bengals likely jumped at the chance to make an example out of a backup player with a history of crime. The good news is, I actually buy the fact that Marvin Lewis would have forced management to pass on an AJ Nicholson if he was available in the 5th round of this year, and that is progress. It's amazing what effect nine little arrests can have on an organization.
-I know nobody loves a good story. Sex and violence is what sells. But when all we ever hear about is arrest after arrest after arrest in the NFL, it was refreshing to hear a nice story. After getting traded to the Texans, Ahman Green put in a call to defensive back Jason Simmons to inquire about the chance of getting his old jersey number, 30. Simmons said Green sounded nervous, and Green expected to have to unload a good deal of money to get the number, as athletes often do nowadays. Instead, Simmons asked Green to make a down payment on a house for a single parent, and will take no money for himself.
Why doesn't stuff like this happen more often? If Simmons, who made "only" a million dollars last season, can turn down the chance for more money in favor of charitable offerings, why can't the superstars who make 20 million at least do it for the image? Instead of Kobe giving his wife a 4 million dollar ring, couldn't he have gotten her a 3.5 million dollar ring, and donated $500,000 to Planned Parenthood or something? If guys won't do it for the morals, at least they can spare some pocket change to be seen as caring human beings. Good for you Jason Simmons, whoever you are.
-Tim Lincecum is my favorite pitcher in the MLB (other than Dice-K who is excluded whenever I mention any superlative that he fits the category for). You might not know about him just yet, but give him a few more weeks and you'll recognize the name. Lincecum is a 22-year old pitcher that recently got called up for the San Francisco Giants, who have a tremendous young pitching staff, despite the recent failures of Barry Zero. Noah Lowry, Matt Cain, and Matt Morris have all been phenomenal with ERA's hovering around 3.00 despite their mediocre records. Lincecum is more talented than any of them. I may be exaggerating here, but I really believe this guy is the kind of guy that could end up with 300 wins; the kind of Greg Maddux/Roger Clemens type guy who will be consistently great for 15 or 20 years.
His stuff is unbelievable--a Zito-like curveball, a high-nineties heater (that occasionally even hits triple digits), and a remarkable changeup among other things. During his 2006 and early 2007 campaigns, Lincecum struck out the highest percentage of batters of any minor league pitcher in the last ten years. That's insane. He also went 4-0 this year in the California League, a AAA league that is regarded as a "hitter's league", surrendering only one run in 32 innings. He's the real deal. Lincecum struggled in his first MLB start, giving up four earned runs, but he's already adapting, having given up only two runs with 16 strikeouts in the 14 innings pitched over his last two starts. His fourth MLB start is tomorrow (Tuesday) night, and I expect big things. Hell, I expect a perfect game--and the Giants might still lose.
-Yi Jianlian is the most intriguing guy in the NBA Draft. As I await my Celtics inevitable fate in tomorrow night's lottery (I'm expecting the fourth pick at best), I can't help but be enticed by this mystery Chinese baller. He's the ultimate question mark--hell, nobody even knows whether the kid is 19, 22, or 24. Nonetheless, the guy is a super-athletic 7-foot forward who apparently has an enormous repertoire of developed skills and a high basketball IQ. Yao says that Yi is better than him, and I believe anything Yao says. Jianlian could go anywhere from pick 3 to the bottom of the lottery, but it will be a struggle for teams to resist him. They just have to assess whether he will be a Yao Ming/Pao Gasol/Dirk Nowitzki/Manu Ginobili superstar, or a Yaroslav Korolev/Sergei Monya/Fran Vasquez/Nikoloz Tskitishvili super-bust. (I'm not sure whether I'm proud orembarrassed that I knew all of those names off the top of my head. I didn't even check the spellings.)
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Unforgivable Suns?
I've never been so furious in my life.
The NBA has just announced that both Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudemire will be suspended for Game 5 of the Phoenix Suns-San Antonio Spurs series. As Stephen A. Smith would say, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! As Bill Walton would say, POSSIBLY THE WORST DECISION IN THE HISTORY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION! There are several major flaws with this decision by David Stern. First of all, the Suns are getting mightily punished for an archaic rule that needs to be destroyed. They should send the rule to the supreme court and highlight its unconstitutionality.
After Cheap Shot Rob delivered a Scott Stevens-caliber shoulder check (note the rare hockey reference), sending should-be MVP Steve Nash into basketball's version of the boards, Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudemire, along with the rest of the Suns bench, showed tremendous restraint. Any good team player's natural reaction to a violent cheap-shot dilevered to any teammate, let alone their team leader and best player, would be to protect said teammate. If I was Stoudemire or Diaw, I would have done far worse, likely attacking Robert Horry in a fit of rage. Instead, both player's showed phenomenal self-control, suppressing natural instincts and quickly settling down and returning to the bench, rather than instigating an altercation. The pair of players should be rewarded for their rapid defusing of well-deserved fury, which was the deciding factor in avoiding a brawl that would have been detrimental to the NBA, not punished for standing up and taking a step forward. Amare hardly even stepped foot on the court! It's a senseless rule; how can two crucial players get suspended for doing nothing, while Raja Bell, the only Sun who actually made contact with Horry, is fine simply because he happened to be already on the court at the time?
Furthermore, the Suns have continued to get screwed over in this series. Phoenix lost the first game of the series when a technicality forced Nash to miss the final minute because of the blood on his nose. Then, when Nash was blatantly kneed in the balls by a consistently dirty player in Bruce Bowen, Bowen was not suspended. He has already tried to kick Amare Stoudemire's legs out from under him on an uncontested dunk earlier in the series. Look! Yet Bruce Bowen has yet to be punished for his outrageous behavior, while Stoudemire and Diaw will watch a pivotal Game 5 in (NBA-dress code approved) street clothes. Furthermore, watch Fabricio Oberto set screens for the final 2 or 3 games of the series--every one of them is illegal. Not only does he move when setting them, he leans, bumps, and almost always grabs as defenders attempt to get through.
The final argument against this traveshamockery, and perhaps the most convincing one, is the fact that Tim Duncan left the bench in the second quarter when there seemed to be a potential confrontation involving Francisco Elson, only to be pulled back by Bruce Bowen. Duncan crossed the three point line, and was clearly on the court, but he did not get reprimanded for the same actions that will cost Diaw and Stoudemire. Watch for yourself. Despite this stern attempt for sabbotage, I still believe that the Suns will only be fueled by the indignities, and expect them to win the series in seven games. The NBA needs to review old rules like this one that are continuing to color the fate of the playoffs before more seasons are ruined by them. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
The NBA has just announced that both Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudemire will be suspended for Game 5 of the Phoenix Suns-San Antonio Spurs series. As Stephen A. Smith would say, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! As Bill Walton would say, POSSIBLY THE WORST DECISION IN THE HISTORY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION! There are several major flaws with this decision by David Stern. First of all, the Suns are getting mightily punished for an archaic rule that needs to be destroyed. They should send the rule to the supreme court and highlight its unconstitutionality.
After Cheap Shot Rob delivered a Scott Stevens-caliber shoulder check (note the rare hockey reference), sending should-be MVP Steve Nash into basketball's version of the boards, Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudemire, along with the rest of the Suns bench, showed tremendous restraint. Any good team player's natural reaction to a violent cheap-shot dilevered to any teammate, let alone their team leader and best player, would be to protect said teammate. If I was Stoudemire or Diaw, I would have done far worse, likely attacking Robert Horry in a fit of rage. Instead, both player's showed phenomenal self-control, suppressing natural instincts and quickly settling down and returning to the bench, rather than instigating an altercation. The pair of players should be rewarded for their rapid defusing of well-deserved fury, which was the deciding factor in avoiding a brawl that would have been detrimental to the NBA, not punished for standing up and taking a step forward. Amare hardly even stepped foot on the court! It's a senseless rule; how can two crucial players get suspended for doing nothing, while Raja Bell, the only Sun who actually made contact with Horry, is fine simply because he happened to be already on the court at the time?
Furthermore, the Suns have continued to get screwed over in this series. Phoenix lost the first game of the series when a technicality forced Nash to miss the final minute because of the blood on his nose. Then, when Nash was blatantly kneed in the balls by a consistently dirty player in Bruce Bowen, Bowen was not suspended. He has already tried to kick Amare Stoudemire's legs out from under him on an uncontested dunk earlier in the series. Look! Yet Bruce Bowen has yet to be punished for his outrageous behavior, while Stoudemire and Diaw will watch a pivotal Game 5 in (NBA-dress code approved) street clothes. Furthermore, watch Fabricio Oberto set screens for the final 2 or 3 games of the series--every one of them is illegal. Not only does he move when setting them, he leans, bumps, and almost always grabs as defenders attempt to get through.
The final argument against this traveshamockery, and perhaps the most convincing one, is the fact that Tim Duncan left the bench in the second quarter when there seemed to be a potential confrontation involving Francisco Elson, only to be pulled back by Bruce Bowen. Duncan crossed the three point line, and was clearly on the court, but he did not get reprimanded for the same actions that will cost Diaw and Stoudemire. Watch for yourself. Despite this stern attempt for sabbotage, I still believe that the Suns will only be fueled by the indignities, and expect them to win the series in seven games. The NBA needs to review old rules like this one that are continuing to color the fate of the playoffs before more seasons are ruined by them. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Dear...
Sean O'Hair, will you think things through next time?
Yeah, I know you don't aim for second place, but you acted like Ricky Bobby. "If you ain't first, your last!" But Sean, as Reese Bobby wisely pointed out, you could be "Second, third, fourth...hell you could even be fifth!" And if you're a complete moron like you, Sean O'Hair, you can be 11th. You tried to be daring. I respect a risk-taker, but there's a fine line between being gutsy, and being flat-out idiotic. Who am I kidding, it's not even a fine line, it's a thick red line that you completely disregarded. And you know what? It cost you three-quarters of a million dollars! $750,000! You were +4 on 17 because you tried to be a hero, and you ended up putting the ball in the water, then you bogeyed 18. I don't feel bad for you. You're like one of those Deal or No Deal contestants who is homeless and is being offered $300,000, but all the have left is the $750,000 and the penny, and you scream NO DEAL HOWIE! Then you lose everything and your still homeless, and you expect sympathy?
Golden State Warriors, pleeeease stay alive!
If ever there was an acceptable time to rig the results of sporting events, this is it. I'm all for the integrity of the game, but c'mon, everyone wants to see a Warriors-Suns Western Conference Finals. If the Jazz play the Spurs and the Pistons play...anyone, I'm going to be pounding Pepsi just to stay awake for the games. The Warriors are being talked about more than any NBA team during the playoffs in my lifetime. Even people that don't follow basketball are rooting for them. Hell, I think even some of the Jazz backups are rooting for them. They run and gun, and that's all anyone wants to see. Plus, Baron Davis is an absolute God. Did you see that dunk? I thought he borrowed Gilbert Arenas' trampoline at first.
Pacman Jones' Lawyers, don't waste your time!
"A decision on Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones' appeal for leniency from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be delayed while lawyers complete paperwork."
Well don't waste your time on this low-life. Pacman has more arrests in the last two years than the entire Bengals and the Trailblazers teams combined. Even the other players, who always defend their fellow athletes, don't want leniency for Pacman. They don't want to be seen as a homogeneous group of thugs; guys like Jones are just disgusting exceptions. So don't waste your time trying to appeal the suspension--it's already lenient! He should be kicked out of the league! He should probably be in jail! Let him sit behind bars with Paris Hilton, maybe he can protect her, and she can style his dreads.
Yeah, I know you don't aim for second place, but you acted like Ricky Bobby. "If you ain't first, your last!" But Sean, as Reese Bobby wisely pointed out, you could be "Second, third, fourth...hell you could even be fifth!" And if you're a complete moron like you, Sean O'Hair, you can be 11th. You tried to be daring. I respect a risk-taker, but there's a fine line between being gutsy, and being flat-out idiotic. Who am I kidding, it's not even a fine line, it's a thick red line that you completely disregarded. And you know what? It cost you three-quarters of a million dollars! $750,000! You were +4 on 17 because you tried to be a hero, and you ended up putting the ball in the water, then you bogeyed 18. I don't feel bad for you. You're like one of those Deal or No Deal contestants who is homeless and is being offered $300,000, but all the have left is the $750,000 and the penny, and you scream NO DEAL HOWIE! Then you lose everything and your still homeless, and you expect sympathy?
Golden State Warriors, pleeeease stay alive!
If ever there was an acceptable time to rig the results of sporting events, this is it. I'm all for the integrity of the game, but c'mon, everyone wants to see a Warriors-Suns Western Conference Finals. If the Jazz play the Spurs and the Pistons play...anyone, I'm going to be pounding Pepsi just to stay awake for the games. The Warriors are being talked about more than any NBA team during the playoffs in my lifetime. Even people that don't follow basketball are rooting for them. Hell, I think even some of the Jazz backups are rooting for them. They run and gun, and that's all anyone wants to see. Plus, Baron Davis is an absolute God. Did you see that dunk? I thought he borrowed Gilbert Arenas' trampoline at first.
Brett Favre, shut the f*#% up!
I don't care whether you asked for a trade or not, I despise you more than any athlete in the world, save Roger Clemens. You can't complain about the failures of the Packers franchise to get marquee players to help you, because YOU are single-handedly killing the franchise. Every off-season, the entire organization waits and waits and waits for you to decide if you're coming back to throw 63 more interceptions next season, and you push the deadlines for decision back. They should make it a Pope-like thing, and when you've decided, maybe you can send white smoke out of your chimney. You complain about other players, but YOU have become one of the biggest quarterback liabilities in the league. The last two years, you have thrown just 38 touchdowns and an utterly repulsive 47 (Yes, FORTY-SEVEN) interceptions. You were a great quarterback in your prime, a hall-of-famer, but now you simply can't perform, so you don't have the right to keep the entire city waiting every year, to keep acting like you ARE the Green Bay Packers. The mere concept that you would have the audacity to request a trade made me throw up a little bit in my mouth, followed by an extended fit of laughter. No other team in the entire league would take you for that amount of money, and you couldn't start anywhere else either. You were the Packers, so they endure you, but patience is running thin, so just shut the f*#% up and be grateful that they continue to allow you to throw their footballs into opponents hands.
Bruce Bowen, you better be grateful to be playing in Game 4
I was one of the few who defended Kobe's suspensions for his flailing elbow's this season, which Phil Jackson referred to as a witch hunt. He was right--only there was really a witch, and they caught her. I defended Raja Bell's suspension in last year's playoffs when he clotheslined Kobe. Artest was suspended for an elbow in the 2006 playoffs as well. Hell, they even suspended Udonis Haslem in the playoffs for throwing a freakin' mouthguard. So why can you, Bruce, get away with a blatantly intentional knee to Steve Nash's man-parts? You have consistently been a dirty player that walks that line of dirty vs. hard-nosed, and you've gotten away with it. But I'm sick of the "accidental" undercuts when contesting shots that have sprained shooter's ankles, sick of the grabbing, sick of all your dirty little tricks.
Augustus Gilchrist, don't do this to Virginia Tech!
For my readers who don't know who you are, you are a highly-touted committed Virginia Tech basketball recruit who has decided not to attend in the wake of the recent tragedy. You say you are "not mentally prepared to go there for this year." First of all, the school shooting was indeed tragic, but it could occur at any school in the country. You can't let this misguided fear prevent you from attending the university. And secondly, you signed a letter of intent to go to VT, and they need you now more than ever. In times of tragedy, sports is one of those few things that can bring people joy, unite them in happiness again, like the Saints did for New Orleans after Katrina. If people like you bail on them now, the impact is far more profoud on Virginia Tech than you realize. If you set a precedent, and other athletes revoke their commitments as well, then shame on you Mr. Gilchrist. Shame on you.
Pacman Jones' Lawyers, don't waste your time!
"A decision on Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones' appeal for leniency from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will be delayed while lawyers complete paperwork."
Well don't waste your time on this low-life. Pacman has more arrests in the last two years than the entire Bengals and the Trailblazers teams combined. Even the other players, who always defend their fellow athletes, don't want leniency for Pacman. They don't want to be seen as a homogeneous group of thugs; guys like Jones are just disgusting exceptions. So don't waste your time trying to appeal the suspension--it's already lenient! He should be kicked out of the league! He should probably be in jail! Let him sit behind bars with Paris Hilton, maybe he can protect her, and she can style his dreads.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Dear...
Boxing, you are at fault for your own fall from grace!
I'm sick of hearing all this crap about how boxing needed to be saved by the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight. The fight lived up to all the hype, and it's not going to come close to saving the sport. And it's not just because UFC is more interesting. Nor is it because there aren't great boxers and interesting characters fighting right now. I don't even think it's because there are like 76 different champions/belt-holders. You know why I didn't watch "the greatest fight in decades"? Because I didn't have the $55 sitting around that it would've cost me to order it. And I'm privileged enough to have actually considered it. If you really want boxing to regain some of its interest--to re-assert itself as the premier fighting sport in the country--maybe you should consider making some of the better fights readily available to the average American. Most people who watch UFC watch it when it happens to be on regular cable--which is essentially every day. I have no sympathy for the recent failures of boxing because every other sport with major interest makes itself constantly available to the American public. Imagine if the Super Bowl, the entire NFL playoffs, and even the better regular season games were all on Pay-Per-View for upwards of $50; do you really think it would maintain its popularity? If you want to return to the glory days of boxing popularity, broadcast some fights on ABC or NBC, or at least ESPN.
Dirk Nowitzki, you really don't have any pride, do you?
I went from loving Dirk when he first took the NBA by storm, to having almost no respect for him in a period of several years. At this point, although I know the playoffs technically can't be considered for the regular season NBA MVP, giving the award to Dirk would be like giving the Titanic the "MVB" Award (Most Valuable Boat) after already being aware that it crashed into an iceberg and killed 1500 innocent people. Meanwhile the boat with the best court-vision in the league is perusing the waters. Not only did Dirk stink all series long, but he had all the resolve and confidence of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. In Game 6, Dirk went 2-13 from the field and scored 8 points en route to being handed the most embarrassing exit in the history of the NBA...MVP! MVP! MVP!
Please.
Barbaro, leave us alone!
You died months ago. You were a freakin' horse. I have nothing against you personally Barbaro, but as the Kentucky Derby approached, people began to reminisce about you, just when I thought you had finally stopped annoying the crap out of me. I listened to more stories about kids sending you thousands of get well cards. I listened to reporters say that they could tell you were "an incredibly charismatic horse" who "captured the heart of everyone who knew" you. I listened to more mourning of your death while thousands of human beings were dying on a daily basis in Darfur. I even learned that yesterday NBC aired a documentary about you. I'm sorry you met your terrible fate, but you were a genetically calculated project whose life was created to be whipped by a diminuitive man so that hundreds of millions of dollars could be wagered on you by indulgent, old, white men; each of whom believes that they know more than everyone else.
Steve Nash, how did that feel?
No, not the enormous gash that was gushing blood all over the place. I know how that feels. I meant sitting on the bench for the last 45 seconds of what could prove to be a crucial Game 1 and watching your team and your replacement blow the game. Don't get me wrong, I'm Barbosa's biggest advocate, (I almost called him Barbaro because I'm still caught up on my hatred of that horse) but I can't imagine playing the whole game only to watch him miss a contested three and then get called for an intentional foul (albeit a terrible call). Just wanted to send my condolences Steve.
Roger Clemens, I LOATHE you!
And no, it's not just because I'm a bitter Red Sox fan. It's because you announced your comeback from Steinbrenner's box and on the big screen during the 7th inning stretch like a hero from a movie. It's because you're 45 years old and taking 28 million dollars for one uncertain year. It's because you named all of your kids things that start with K in honor of your own strikeouts. It's because you said you wanted to move closer to home, then went to Toronto because they gave you more money. It's because you act as though you're above everyone else in the world, you selfish, lying, shameless, overweight waste of a human being who happens to be the greatest pitcher of the last 25 years!
Chicago Bulls, who are you?
After getting me so excited that I nearly creamed in my knickers (to use a British term) with the first-round shelacking of the Miami Overheated, you came out in the first game against the Pistons and flat-out embarressed yourselves. I have the Bulls winning the JVeastern Conference, in addition to a man-crush in the uber-athletic Tyrus Thomas, whose physique would cause Bill Walton to say "he looks like something that Michaelangelo would have sculpted!" Needless to say, I was disturbed by the Bulls failure to so much as appear to be the Pistons' opposition. Game 2 is absolutely enormous for the Bulls; not so much winning the game, but merely re-gaining confidence and asserting that they belong and can compete with the Pistons, which they have the weapons to do, and did during the regular season series (3-1 Bulls).
Shane Battier, you blew the entire series!
I gave Shane Battier the Best Role Player award! You'd think that a great selfless role player who has very few distinguishing skills that make him an NBA player other than leadership and great basketball IQ, would understand that when you are down 2 with 9 seconds left, and the other team has the ball, you need to foul. Instead, Battier let Deron Williams pass the ball out of the trap and the clock ran down to 1 second remaining as the Rockets hung their heads with dismay. Okay, it wasn't the only reason they lost the series, and they likely would have lost the game anyways, but it was a fatal, idiotic, mindless, enormous mistake.
-Sidenote: Deron Williams was breaking so many ankles that I couldn't remember which point guard was "Skip To My Lou".
Tracy McGrady, I'll bet you're hurting!
This title seemed clever when I thought of it because of the double meaning. Everyone knows that McGrady must be hurting from the fact that he's been in the league for 9 years now and never advanced out of the first round of the playoffs. But physically, I believe McGrady has been in far more pain than he has let on. I literally didn't see T-Mac dunk once in the entire seven game series. I remember the 2000 dunk contest, the greatest contest in NBA history, McGrady's athleticism was equivalent to his cousin Carter, though his dunks were just a smidgeon off cuz's pace. While Carter continues to put down thunderous dunks that seem nearly impossible, McGrady opts for crafty runners and reverse layups. He turns 28 this month; theres no reason why he would no longer have supreme athleticism other than injury. I strongly believe that T-Mac's back was significantly hampering him, and he simply refused to admit it.
I'll be back with more rants soon.
I'm sick of hearing all this crap about how boxing needed to be saved by the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight. The fight lived up to all the hype, and it's not going to come close to saving the sport. And it's not just because UFC is more interesting. Nor is it because there aren't great boxers and interesting characters fighting right now. I don't even think it's because there are like 76 different champions/belt-holders. You know why I didn't watch "the greatest fight in decades"? Because I didn't have the $55 sitting around that it would've cost me to order it. And I'm privileged enough to have actually considered it. If you really want boxing to regain some of its interest--to re-assert itself as the premier fighting sport in the country--maybe you should consider making some of the better fights readily available to the average American. Most people who watch UFC watch it when it happens to be on regular cable--which is essentially every day. I have no sympathy for the recent failures of boxing because every other sport with major interest makes itself constantly available to the American public. Imagine if the Super Bowl, the entire NFL playoffs, and even the better regular season games were all on Pay-Per-View for upwards of $50; do you really think it would maintain its popularity? If you want to return to the glory days of boxing popularity, broadcast some fights on ABC or NBC, or at least ESPN.
Dirk Nowitzki, you really don't have any pride, do you?
I went from loving Dirk when he first took the NBA by storm, to having almost no respect for him in a period of several years. At this point, although I know the playoffs technically can't be considered for the regular season NBA MVP, giving the award to Dirk would be like giving the Titanic the "MVB" Award (Most Valuable Boat) after already being aware that it crashed into an iceberg and killed 1500 innocent people. Meanwhile the boat with the best court-vision in the league is perusing the waters. Not only did Dirk stink all series long, but he had all the resolve and confidence of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. In Game 6, Dirk went 2-13 from the field and scored 8 points en route to being handed the most embarrassing exit in the history of the NBA...MVP! MVP! MVP!
Please.
Barbaro, leave us alone!
You died months ago. You were a freakin' horse. I have nothing against you personally Barbaro, but as the Kentucky Derby approached, people began to reminisce about you, just when I thought you had finally stopped annoying the crap out of me. I listened to more stories about kids sending you thousands of get well cards. I listened to reporters say that they could tell you were "an incredibly charismatic horse" who "captured the heart of everyone who knew" you. I listened to more mourning of your death while thousands of human beings were dying on a daily basis in Darfur. I even learned that yesterday NBC aired a documentary about you. I'm sorry you met your terrible fate, but you were a genetically calculated project whose life was created to be whipped by a diminuitive man so that hundreds of millions of dollars could be wagered on you by indulgent, old, white men; each of whom believes that they know more than everyone else.
Steve Nash, how did that feel?
No, not the enormous gash that was gushing blood all over the place. I know how that feels. I meant sitting on the bench for the last 45 seconds of what could prove to be a crucial Game 1 and watching your team and your replacement blow the game. Don't get me wrong, I'm Barbosa's biggest advocate, (I almost called him Barbaro because I'm still caught up on my hatred of that horse) but I can't imagine playing the whole game only to watch him miss a contested three and then get called for an intentional foul (albeit a terrible call). Just wanted to send my condolences Steve.
Roger Clemens, I LOATHE you!
And no, it's not just because I'm a bitter Red Sox fan. It's because you announced your comeback from Steinbrenner's box and on the big screen during the 7th inning stretch like a hero from a movie. It's because you're 45 years old and taking 28 million dollars for one uncertain year. It's because you named all of your kids things that start with K in honor of your own strikeouts. It's because you said you wanted to move closer to home, then went to Toronto because they gave you more money. It's because you act as though you're above everyone else in the world, you selfish, lying, shameless, overweight waste of a human being who happens to be the greatest pitcher of the last 25 years!
Chicago Bulls, who are you?
After getting me so excited that I nearly creamed in my knickers (to use a British term) with the first-round shelacking of the Miami Overheated, you came out in the first game against the Pistons and flat-out embarressed yourselves. I have the Bulls winning the JVeastern Conference, in addition to a man-crush in the uber-athletic Tyrus Thomas, whose physique would cause Bill Walton to say "he looks like something that Michaelangelo would have sculpted!" Needless to say, I was disturbed by the Bulls failure to so much as appear to be the Pistons' opposition. Game 2 is absolutely enormous for the Bulls; not so much winning the game, but merely re-gaining confidence and asserting that they belong and can compete with the Pistons, which they have the weapons to do, and did during the regular season series (3-1 Bulls).
Shane Battier, you blew the entire series!
I gave Shane Battier the Best Role Player award! You'd think that a great selfless role player who has very few distinguishing skills that make him an NBA player other than leadership and great basketball IQ, would understand that when you are down 2 with 9 seconds left, and the other team has the ball, you need to foul. Instead, Battier let Deron Williams pass the ball out of the trap and the clock ran down to 1 second remaining as the Rockets hung their heads with dismay. Okay, it wasn't the only reason they lost the series, and they likely would have lost the game anyways, but it was a fatal, idiotic, mindless, enormous mistake.
-Sidenote: Deron Williams was breaking so many ankles that I couldn't remember which point guard was "Skip To My Lou".
Tracy McGrady, I'll bet you're hurting!
This title seemed clever when I thought of it because of the double meaning. Everyone knows that McGrady must be hurting from the fact that he's been in the league for 9 years now and never advanced out of the first round of the playoffs. But physically, I believe McGrady has been in far more pain than he has let on. I literally didn't see T-Mac dunk once in the entire seven game series. I remember the 2000 dunk contest, the greatest contest in NBA history, McGrady's athleticism was equivalent to his cousin Carter, though his dunks were just a smidgeon off cuz's pace. While Carter continues to put down thunderous dunks that seem nearly impossible, McGrady opts for crafty runners and reverse layups. He turns 28 this month; theres no reason why he would no longer have supreme athleticism other than injury. I strongly believe that T-Mac's back was significantly hampering him, and he simply refused to admit it.
I'll be back with more rants soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)