Dear...

Boxing, you are at fault for your own fall from grace!
I'm sick of hearing all this crap about how boxing needed to be saved by the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight. The fight lived up to all the hype, and it's not going to come close to saving the sport. And it's not just because UFC is more interesting. Nor is it because there aren't great boxers and interesting characters fighting right now. I don't even think it's because there are like 76 different champions/belt-holders. You know why I didn't watch "the greatest fight in decades"? Because I didn't have the $55 sitting around that it would've cost me to order it. And I'm privileged enough to have actually considered it. If you really want boxing to regain some of its interest--to re-assert itself as the premier fighting sport in the country--maybe you should consider making some of the better fights readily available to the average American. Most people who watch UFC watch it when it happens to be on regular cable--which is essentially every day. I have no sympathy for the recent failures of boxing because every other sport with major interest makes itself constantly available to the American public. Imagine if the Super Bowl, the entire NFL playoffs, and even the better regular season games were all on Pay-Per-View for upwards of $50; do you really think it would maintain its popularity? If you want to return to the glory days of boxing popularity, broadcast some fights on ABC or NBC, or at least ESPN.

Dirk Nowitzki, you really don't have any pride, do you?
I went from loving Dirk when he first took the NBA by storm, to having almost no respect for him in a period of several years. At this point, although I know the playoffs technically can't be considered for the regular season NBA MVP, giving the award to Dirk would be like giving the Titanic the "MVB" Award (Most Valuable Boat) after already being aware that it crashed into an iceberg and killed 1500 innocent people. Meanwhile the boat with the best court-vision in the league is perusing the waters. Not only did Dirk stink all series long, but he had all the resolve and confidence of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. In Game 6, Dirk went 2-13 from the field and scored 8 points en route to being handed the most embarrassing exit in the history of the NBA...MVP! MVP! MVP!
Please.

Barbaro, leave us alone!
You died months ago. You were a freakin' horse. I have nothing against you personally Barbaro, but as the Kentucky Derby approached, people began to reminisce about you, just when I thought you had finally stopped annoying the crap out of me. I listened to more stories about kids sending you thousands of get well cards. I listened to reporters say that they could tell you were "an incredibly charismatic horse" who "captured the heart of everyone who knew" you. I listened to more mourning of your death while thousands of human beings were dying on a daily basis in Darfur. I even learned that yesterday NBC aired a documentary about you. I'm sorry you met your terrible fate, but you were a genetically calculated project whose life was created to be whipped by a diminuitive man so that hundreds of millions of dollars could be wagered on you by indulgent, old, white men; each of whom believes that they know more than everyone else.

Steve Nash, how did that feel?
No, not the enormous gash that was gushing blood all over the place. I know how that feels. I meant sitting on the bench for the last 45 seconds of what could prove to be a crucial Game 1 and watching your team and your replacement blow the game. Don't get me wrong, I'm Barbosa's biggest advocate, (I almost called him Barbaro because I'm still caught up on my hatred of that horse) but I can't imagine playing the whole game only to watch him miss a contested three and then get called for an intentional foul (albeit a terrible call). Just wanted to send my condolences Steve.

Roger Clemens, I LOATHE you!
And no, it's not just because I'm a bitter Red Sox fan. It's because you announced your comeback from Steinbrenner's box and on the big screen during the 7th inning stretch like a hero from a movie. It's because you're 45 years old and taking 28 million dollars for one uncertain year. It's because you named all of your kids things that start with K in honor of your own strikeouts. It's because you said you wanted to move closer to home, then went to Toronto because they gave you more money. It's because you act as though you're above everyone else in the world, you selfish, lying, shameless, overweight waste of a human being who happens to be the greatest pitcher of the last 25 years!

Chicago Bulls, who are you?
After getting me so excited that I nearly creamed in my knickers (to use a British term) with the first-round shelacking of the Miami Overheated, you came out in the first game against the Pistons and flat-out embarressed yourselves. I have the Bulls winning the JVeastern Conference, in addition to a man-crush in the uber-athletic Tyrus Thomas, whose physique would cause Bill Walton to say "he looks like something that Michaelangelo would have sculpted!" Needless to say, I was disturbed by the Bulls failure to so much as appear to be the Pistons' opposition. Game 2 is absolutely enormous for the Bulls; not so much winning the game, but merely re-gaining confidence and asserting that they belong and can compete with the Pistons, which they have the weapons to do, and did during the regular season series (3-1 Bulls).

Shane Battier, you blew the entire series!
I gave Shane Battier the Best Role Player award! You'd think that a great selfless role player who has very few distinguishing skills that make him an NBA player other than leadership and great basketball IQ, would understand that when you are down 2 with 9 seconds left, and the other team has the ball, you need to foul. Instead, Battier let Deron Williams pass the ball out of the trap and the clock ran down to 1 second remaining as the Rockets hung their heads with dismay. Okay, it wasn't the only reason they lost the series, and they likely would have lost the game anyways, but it was a fatal, idiotic, mindless, enormous mistake.
-Sidenote: Deron Williams was breaking so many ankles that I couldn't remember which point guard was "Skip To My Lou".

Tracy McGrady, I'll bet you're hurting!
This title seemed clever when I thought of it because of the double meaning. Everyone knows that McGrady must be hurting from the fact that he's been in the league for 9 years now and never advanced out of the first round of the playoffs. But physically, I believe McGrady has been in far more pain than he has let on. I literally didn't see T-Mac dunk once in the entire seven game series. I remember the 2000 dunk contest, the greatest contest in NBA history, McGrady's athleticism was equivalent to his cousin Carter, though his dunks were just a smidgeon off cuz's pace. While Carter continues to put down thunderous dunks that seem nearly impossible, McGrady opts for crafty runners and reverse layups. He turns 28 this month; theres no reason why he would no longer have supreme athleticism other than injury. I strongly believe that T-Mac's back was significantly hampering him, and he simply refused to admit it.

I'll be back with more rants soon.